• I live in my own little world, but it’s ok, they know me here.
  • Sign In Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
  • Money can’t buy happiness, but it does help make pure misery easier to live with.
  • If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
  • I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
  • The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
  • Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
  • Simple math: I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
  • I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
  • Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
  • Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
  • If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
  • Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
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