Fifteen years ago, while living in rural Cambodia, I developed a new appreciation for washing machines and dryers. My house was unique in that we owned a washer, but I often watched local women use washing boards to clean their clothing. We didn’t own a dryer, and I would wait to do laundry if I saw it was a rainy day and likely to pour. The rainy season made doing laundry much more complicated. I would have to hope my clothes dried on the line in the early afternoon before the torrential rain showers began.
I found myself thinking about my love and appreciation for my washer and dryer when I saw a meme circulating among other mothers on social media. On the left is a mother trudging through her home with a large sack on her back, representing the mental load of motherhood. On the right, the sack is larger and more festively decorated for Christmas.
Mary Catherine Starr, the founder of MomLife Comics, is a frequent creator of content bemoaning the toll of marriage and families. Starr has monetized her martyr complex and is the illustrator of how millions of American mothers view their own lives.
Imagine if these mothers were hand-washing and hanging their clothes like Cambodian mothers do each and every day. They might actually get some perspective, which wouldn’t be the worst thing.
Jessi Bridges, a mother of five, commented on the picture, “It has to be exhausting to constantly make yourself into the victim of your own children and husband.” Bridges went on to mention Caroline Ingalls, known as Ma in the Little House on the Prairie series, and quipped she’d “like a word.”
Christmases in the Little House books are a masterclass in perspective. One of the most prized gifts was an orange, a treat in the middle of winter in the Midwest that was unimaginably delicious and rare. The children of the family were gifted with necessities such as gloves, clothing, and baking supplies. Toys? If they received them, they were handmade, such as crafted wooden dolls.
Like many modern problems, the struggle with the mental load of the holidays is largely self-inflicted. Is Elf on the Shelf and decorating the house too much of a burden? Opt-out. The season is supposed to be about togetherness and family, joy, and love, and it should not come with unappreciated expectations.
However, for millions of modern American mothers, that’s not the objective. Their goal is instead their own self-flagellation. They’ve decided, consciously or not, that complaining is the most enjoyable expression of the holiday spirit. It’s a toxic way to live and spend our limited time on this Earth.
As we go into the New Year’s resolution season, I challenge my fellow mothers to make a change. There is a real social contagion effect of social media on our mindsets. The kinds of content produced by MomLife Comics sustain a negative feedback loop. Mothers repeatedly hear their lives are crushing and drudgery, and they internalize that messaging.
Several years ago, when I realized I was in that negative loop myself, I left every single mother group on Facebook. I unfollowed all of the negative people, both influencers and in-person friends. Within a few days, my mind cleared of the negative energy that had been tumbling around in my head.
Don’t just take away those negative influences. Replace them with positive ones. Settle in and read the Little House series aloud with your children this winter break, and verbalize the gratitude you feel upon reading about the primitive conditions the Ingalls family endured.
It has never been easier to be alive than it is at this moment in history. Between modern medicine and conveniences, we are truly blessed. This holiday season is the perfect time to remind ourselves of that simple truth.
Bethany Mandel (@bethanyshondark) is a homeschooling mother of six and a writer. She is the bestselling co-author of Stolen Youth.
