Shocker: White House Cocaine Suspect Won’t Be Found

It appears that White House gumshoes are not hot on the trail of the culprit who left some cocaine at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Indeed, a top lawman told Politico, the storied law enforcement, military, and intelligence apparatus of the world’s greatest superpower, which can target a terrorist’s home in Ouagadougou with a cruise missile, probably won’t find him. Or her, as the case might be, although a good suspect is a he with the initials H.B.

Not that it really matters all that much. A little cocaine in the White House isn’t all that surprising after seeing a tranny expose his lady breasts at a “pride” event on the mansion’s lawn.

Still, Americans know that the Bidens have returned “honor and decency” to the White House.

Not the Library

Early reports said a Secret Service man found the illegal drug in the White House library, an unlikely spot given that the key suspect — again, initials H.B. — spends a lot more time tooting and cavorting with prostitutes than he does immersed in books.

The location means that the culprit won’t be found, Politico reported:

But one official familiar with the investigation cautioned that the source of the drug was unlikely to be determined given that it was discovered in a highly trafficked area of the West Wing.

The small amount of cocaine was found in a cubby area for storing electronics within the West Exec basement entryway into the West Wing, where many people have authorized access, including staff or visitors coming in for West Wing tours.

So the toot-sniffer could have been a guest, one of Tranny Joe’s “non-binary” workers, or just about anyone with access to the area. So, possibly, suspect H.B. didn’t leave the preferred drug of Washington, D.C.’s late mayor, Marion Shepilov Barry, with whom H.B. smoked crack

“It’s gonna be very difficult for us to [find the culprit] because of where it was,” the official told Politico:

“Even if there were surveillance cameras, unless you were waving it around, it may not have been caught” by the cameras, added the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity given that it’s an ongoing investigation. “It’s a bit of a thoroughfare. People walk by there all the time.”

Naturally, the White House press secretary, lesbian immigrant Karine Jean-Pierre, was mum. She refused to answer questions from reporters, and “deferred to the Secret Service.”

“Let’s let the Secret Service do their job, which we believe and have all the confidence that they will get to the bottom of this episode,” Jean-Pierre said.

The Find

City firefighters responded to the White House after a uniformed Secret Service officer found what could have been a hazardous substance. It was hazardous, but only for those who snort or smoke it, as the New York Post reported

“We have a yellow bar stating cocaine hydrochloride,” a DC firefighter stated in a radio communication at 8:49 p.m. on Sunday.

“Bag it up and take it out,” the firefighter told the Hazmat team.

The white powdery substance was found in the residence’s library, according to the dispatch call.

The Secret Service told The Post that the agency “does not comment on an active investigation” and declined to comment further.

Yet Another Embarrassment

But the latest embarrassment for the Bidens, or the many that suspect H.B. has inflicted upon POTUS and FLOTUS, not least fathering a child with a stripper, are hardly unique.

Most recently, the couple and their hangers-on had to ban a tranny from the White House after he exposed himself publicly on the lawn during a “Pride Month” event. “Pride Month,” for those unfamiliar with the lingo, used to be called “June.” 

You’d think the people in charge of invitations would have learned from bald, non-binary sadist Sam Brinton, the world’s worst luggage thief, that some people are just nuts, and shouldn’t be anywhere near the White House. Alas and alack, that’s not the case.

An estimable person called Rose Montoya, a man who pretends he is a woman, landed at 1600 to help celebrate “pride.” After shaking hands with Tranny Joe, he pulled down his dress and cupped his breasts.

“No, this isn’t another hookers-n-blow photo from Hunter’s laptop, it was the Pride party on the White House lawn two days ago hosted by Joe,” radio host Dana Loesch tweeted.

When outrage ensued, the Post reported, Montoya was unapologetic. “Going topless in DC is legal, and I fully support the movement to free the nipples,” Montoya huffed. “Why is my chest now deemed inappropriate or illegal when I show it off? However, before coming out as trans, it was not.”

Despite the cocaine and tranny flashing, Americans can take comfort. The Bidens repeatedly vowed to rescue the home of presidents from the depredations of POTUS 45 Donald Trump, Mean Tweeter in Chief.

“Let’s restore honor and decency to the White House,” Tranny Joe tweeted on November 2, 2020. “We need to restore honor and decency to the White House,” he wrote that September.

And “Dr.” Jill famously tweeted, “decency is on the ballot.”


R. Cort Kirkwood

R. Cort Kirkwood is a long-time contributor to The New American and a former newspaper editor.